Take your time

"Speedy"

  One day I was feeling exceptionally slow. To be truthful, it was more than a feeling. I was speeding (shuffling) my way out to the car for an important errand that just couldn't wait any longer. In complete exasperation I looked down at my feet ready to give them a piece of my mind, when I saw Speedy. Ok, it's time for another truth. I almost crunchified poor Speedy. 

  For some reason I had flashes of the Disney King Arthur cartoon. You know the one... Merlin is teaching young Arthur important life lessons by showing him different animals and seeing the world through they're eyes. Taking advice from old Merlin, I decided to give Speedy the right of way. I would like to say that my decision was based on the same beliefs Merlin had but (wait for it.... here's another truth) I think I was just tired of sprinting around and decided it was time for a break. So...  I asked Speedy if he had time to chat for awhile and he said "Sure, I'm in no hurry. Are you?". 

  We covered quite a bit in our short encounter. He was kind of a quiet fellow. He was patient with me as my words came out slow. He didn't try to finish my sentences. Instead he listened with intent. 

  I studied Speedy, the pure fluidity of his movements. I asked Speedy what his secret was to moving so freely without a care in the world. He responded, " I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you". He laughed hysterically. 

  Slow is a relative concept. Meaning, what is slow for one, may not be slow for another. In our hustle and bustle lives we are used to being given a number, and called when our sandwich is ready. Have we ever met the person making our sandwich? Do we know that Jack at the counter is thankful to have a job? Everything we do is designed around speed. How fast can we google the answer and present it while making everyone think how smart we are. How fast can we get to work? Once there, how fast can we get home? How fast can we make dinner just so we can hurry up to relax! Did you read that last part? ...hurry up to relax". That is ridiculous. 

  Why are we in such a hurry? Do we feel rushed at the counter because the person behind us is in a hurry? I hate peer pressure! 

  I liked Speedy's point of view. "I'm slow for you sometimes, but not slow to myself". Who would have though such pearls of wisdom could come from a chance encounter on the sidewalk? 

  I asked Speedy if I could take his picture for my blog. He said, " Sure, I'm in no hurry. Are you?" After saying goodbye to Speedy, I decided I should get on with my important errand. I rose to my feet and found myself walking a bit better. I guess I just needed to take a little time. 

  I got in my car, rolled down the windows and drove for half an hour around the park, up this street and down the next. Finally I arrived at my destination, the gas station two miles away. I was craving a cherry Pepsi. Like I said at the beginning, it was an important errand. I felt good, peaceful, and more relaxed. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror as I was unfastening my seat belt. I needed a double take. I looked back in the mirror and saw a face less stressed with a smile on it.

  I looked at the face and said, "I'm in no hurry. Are you?"

        Are you?

The Jenga Empire

Building our empire

  Familiar with the game Jenga? Once upon a time I held the title of "Jenga Champion of the World" in our house. I admit now that it was a title I graced upon myself, and highly disputed among the other champions in our arena.
  In the game, one remove blocks from the somewhere in the tower, and places it on the top without causing the whole thing to crash down.
  A short time ago, we decided to dust off the old championship belt and continue on with the challenger (my daughter) dueling the reigning king (me). This has always been a sore point with both of us, because obviously we both claim rights to the golden crown. As usual we competed for the best of two out of three games.
  It was a battle for the ages to witness; sweat beading upon our brows, completely focused upon the task at hand. That task obviously was to beat the other one into utter humiliation. She won two out of three... but that may be a story for another time.
  As the war raged on, each tower grew ever closer to reaching the heavens only to come crashing down eventually in a flurry of scattered pieces and thunder that brought the attentions of others in the house trying to focus on their own activities. Each time our current masterpiece crumbled under the pressure of being precariously balanced upon a now unsteady foundation.... we rebuilt the the work of art and began again.
  That got me thinking... because, as many of you now know, I have a story for everything. So here we go.

  We (I) spend so much time beginning with a perfect structure according to the blueprints. Then we (I) begin to take out and attempt to rearrange the pieces into something taller in an attempt to prove we (I) can build the tallest tower around. Thus proclaiming for all to see that I have indeed created a mighty empire.
  But as we all know, all empires eventually fall.
  What the hell? I spend time, extra time and extra effort with the tremors to remove and strategically align the shards of my empire (life) onto the top of my tower only to watch it fall to the earth... time after time after time.
    Then it hit me like crashing into a mountain at the speed of sound:
The blueprint for the tower is there. But, it is our (my) place in this lifetime to remove some pieces and put them in other places. I believe, that like unfolding the original blueprint only to see a whole other part we've (I've) not seen, The design is set to collapse from the beginning. The point being, as stated in the small print in the notes that we (I) usually don't pay much attention to, is to continue the process as many times as it takes. (sort of like that whole lather, rinse, and repeat as necessary, thing).
  I've titled the series of these blogs "Falling Up". I can think of no better analogy right now than this as to what falling up is about.
  Up and up, to fall and get up to do it all again. Only the next time we (I) move different different pieces around in the hopes of creating a solid foundation. Moving pieces with things like "arrogance", "greed", "self pity", "being an a** to others" etc.. to places where they don't belong...... reigns down the thunder and the whole damn thing comes crumbling down. Surely a bitter lesson, but maybe an essential one for us (me).
  Try to build a solid foundation with the right pieces and don't worry about how tall or vast you (I) make our (my) empire. Instead understand that in time it will fall, as all empires do. The key is to get up and rebuild by learning from previous moves.
  The key just may be to "FALL UP" instead of fall down.

All I ever needed to learn, I learned from PD

  Over the past few years I have been working on a list. This list is always evolving. ( I hope this doesn't mean I might be evolving as well) I began this list as simple affirmations; words to meditate on, maybe ponder the different meanings of each word or phrase and wonder if I am bringing those meanings into my life. I'd like to take this opportunity to share this list with you. Maybe you might also ponder the different possibilities each word or phrase may have for you on a particular day. Maybe you will make a fine paper airplane and sail it into the neighbor's yard where the dog would would chew it up. If by chance you decide to do the latter, keep in mind that you will need a printer, paper, ink and skills in world class paper airplane construction. Also remember this very important pearl of wisdom (been there, done that), if you sail this aerodynamic masterpiece into the neighbor's dog's digestive system... it will make you sad: and nobody likes to be sad.
  So kind reader reader, I now submit to you, "All I've ever needed to learn, I learned from PD"

• surrender
• patience
• hope
• believe
• love
• feel
• explore
• speak softly
• forgive
• breathe
• compliment
• be intentional
• it's ok to be afraid
• push (or pull)
• challenge
• laugh like you mean it
• sing
• dare to dream
• question
• smile
• touch 
• sleep
• teach
• reflect
• plan spontaneity 
• learn
• just be
• enjoy
• live
• praise
• shout
• listen loudly
• risk
• accept
• discipline
• make mistakes
• integrity
• baby steps
• we can't be pretty all the time
• sometimes losing is winning
• find time, don't lose it
• grow, but stay young
• don't accuse, ask questions
• new endings mean new beginnings
• tears happen; let them and move on
• dance like noone is watching
• take smaller bites
• chaos often leads to clarity
• respect yourself and those around you
• it's not the darkness that extinguishes the candle flame; it's the candle which drowns the darkness
• build castles, slay dragons and rescue princesses... but choose the right playgrounds and playmates
• love people and use things, do not love things and use people
• remember to say "thank you" and "I love you"
• be a positive influence today
• choose to have a good day
• seek humility, not spotlights
• learn to be still and be present in the moment
• music speaks where words fail

click here to go to mickbeaman.com

 

Has anyone seen my sanity? I think I left it back there, somewhere.

  Here I am , first morning (see earlier blog). I have to admit that I'm a bit anxious over here. It's now less than a week away from THE BAEHR CHALLENGE on April 6th and I have yet to compile a set list. Usually by this time I have completed and reworked a set list multiple times to make sure certain songs are in a particular spot (so I can hit the high notes earlier in the set) aand make sure that depending on the length of my playing time, that the songs are in proper order.
  Proper order means a lot to me. Not only is it important to take the listener on the appropriate roller coaster ride between ballads and more up beat tempos, but it's the story line that really means a lot to me.
  It doesn't matter if my set is one or two hours, the story line is important. Maybe I'm a little nuts when it comes to this. In my mind, I break the songs into three categories; the rise, the fall and the redemption. Overall, each song should be able to stand alone. But, when looked at in a wider perspective, you see the dream come alive. The emotional and beautiful story of a relationship. I really don't think the people who come to my shows really see this, but I think its a cool bonus if you will. On some level, I hope that afterwards, someone will think to themselves that there seemed to be a rhyme and reason to it all and piece it together.
  Just like any relationship having rises and falls, so are the songs in the set list. I try to process the range of emotions from the beginning of a relationship (the rise), the not so good parts (the fall), and the ultimate reunification of two souls who were meant to be (the redemption).
  Even with a few ocd's which I may have, even I take this to extremes. Under normal cicumstances I have set lists already prepared depending on length of playing time. My personal favorites were a series of shows I did called "What Dreams May Come" ( two hours), and Destination U (one hour).
  I should let you know that I am not the wedding singer or pool party musician you hire for background noise. I do not play a lot of cover material. Most of my sets are comprised of 80% original songs written by yours truly. Most musicians or bands reverse that, devoting much of their time to covers then announcing when they are about to play an original. I do the exact opposite ( I wonder if Dr Feelgood would have something to say about that)?
  I know I over think this whole set list thing, and I'm comfortable with that. It's the way I have always been. Perhaps its been my biggest strength, and my deepest weakness ( hello, Dr Feelgood. I need to make an appointment please). It usually goes well after I look at the finalized draft, but wait.... I forgot that I wanted to play a song that I haven't touched in years. But wait.... I forgot to add in the brand new one.
  Anyway, at the end of it all, the audience gets a taste of my brand of crazy, grilled to perfection and served in a heaping portion from my brain to theirs. I suppose that's what it's all about, taking risks and exposing myself completely to the mercy of the listener. Its a thrill, or I wouldn't keep doing it. But, its also very scary at the same time. I am like a sponge feeding off the energy or emotion I try to create at an event. When its good, it's like sipping a drink out of a coconut shell on some beach where the sun hits ya just right. On the other hand, when I perform a song that doesn't go over well, its like climbing Everest, struggling to regain my own confidence while bringing the listener back into the zone. (No, no, that won't work. Please tell the doc I need an appointment sooner than that).
  At the end, if one person comes up and talks to me, the whole show was worth the worrying beforehand and sweat on the strings. At the end when I am spent physically and emotionally, just one person comes to shake my hand or talk about a particular song, my entire existence feels golden.
(wait, nurse... tell Dr Feelgood I don't need that appointment after all)
        www.mickbeaman.com

What Does "Falling Up" mean?

  I like tattoos. So much so that I have more than one.In fact, I have quite a few all of which serve as sort of a "would you like to add a location to this post?" in the time line of my existence.One of my favorites is Japanese, which when translated into English says "fall seven times: get up eight". It's a reminder etched into my skin for all time to serve as a personal reminder of a life lesson I try to achieve to the best of my abilities. For every time you fall, get up again. Wow, that's good stuff. I'm not sure if it was Confucius or one of those other really smart guys that first said it centuries ago, but whoever it was really had it all together.
  I fall. I fall a lot. You might be thinking "of course you fall, you have PD", but I'm not just talking physically here. Mentally and spiritually I fall a lot too. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that you fall also. Don't deny it. It's human nature. We fall when we are learning to walk, learning to run, learning to ride a bike etc. But we keep getting back up.Why? Is it also in our nature to keep getting up when we get an ouchie? I'm also going to say that you have days when the whole world is riding your ass and when you get home , it's all you can do to keep it together. Maybe, sometimes you don't keep it together. Maybe you scream obscenities out into the cosmos, or maybe you just sit down for a good cry. Don't deny that either, it's also in our nature, and as far as I'm concerned that's ok too. But you get up again.
  I don't know about you, but when I fall (physically and emotionally),  I feel like EVERYONE is watching. My actions amplified a thousand times for all to critique. Sometimes I feel like the ant that is moments away from getting crispified by some kid focusing sun light through a magnifying glass. I feel scared. Don't you? Don't you feel like EVERYONE is watching?
  Recently I went ice skating and I fell down (of course you fell down, you have PD). Wait a minute. Just so we can be clear on the subject and move on. PD had nothing to do with the fall. However, the ruts in the ice left by the the millions of other other skaters that day, had everything to do with the fall. Maybe it wasn't quite millions of skaters that day, but when you fall.....EVERYONE is watching. My skate hit a nice little groove in the ice causing the front of said skate to dig into the ice and down I went. Stupid toe pick. Now, as far as falls go, I believe it was a perfect execution worthy of Olympic status. EVERYONE who saw, will tell the tales of this magnificent and eloquent meeting with the ice for generations to come. I rose from my face down, spread eagle formation feeling vindicated that I got up. Remember: Fall seven times, get up eight.
  Three hours later I am in the ER being told my arm was about to receive the gift of a cast because I had chipped, or broken, or something else not comfortable to the bones in my wrist. My biggest fear since my dx was ever having to be in a cast. I dreaded the day my muscles would start trying to tango while surrounded by cement. I was afraid. I let loose with an onslaught of profanity which I'm sure was heard by EVERYONE. I had fallen to a new low. Now, I'm not about to admit that the idea of the cast caused a few tears. After all, I'm a grown man. So I sat there with Barbara in the ER waiting for the mummifiers to come back and... I cried. Damn it. Just admitted it. Oh well, moving on then shall we?
  Being in the cast has not been a joy ride to say the least. I suppose I can scratch it off my bucket list. Oh yeah, it was never on it! Now EVERYONE is asking "what happened"?. I broke my arm, duh. Moving on again, shall we?
  I have fallen many times in my life. I have hit ludicrous lows. But each time I got up. Why should this time be any different? I'm in a cast. I can't change that. I can however, choose my attitude towards the situation. I can learn from it, feel it, and yes indeed- I can appreciate doing things with two arms.
  When we fall, why should we look at it as falling down? We all have a choice how we face everything in our lives. To me the word "down" seems to have negativity associated with it. I don't like it. So, when I fall, I try to learn and grow. I like the word "up" it's a happy word; a learning word. I guess since we all have a choice, I choose to fall up instead of down. Falling Up is learning as I grow. It's about not only getting up physically from the fall, but getting up mentally. Choosing up, instead of down.
  That ancient Japanese guy who came up with the slogan I have inked on my chest definitely had it right. I think he also chose to Fall Up.
 

Good Morning

  Those of us in this tightly knit community we call PWP's (people with Parkinson's to the the unfamiliar), understand that no two of us may share the same symptoms. Much like everyone has unique personalities, we each have a unique and specialized menu of characteristics which define our brand of PD. Sort of like a menu of delectable appetizers and main courses. The difference with us, is that a waiter didn't approach our table grinning from ear to ear offering us the special of the day. Instead, somebody else appears to have ordered for us. So we eat each days servings either with a smile or without. My choice is to either chow down or choke on some of the crap the waiter brought, either way with a smile.
  Now that we have that out of the way, I'd like to share some thoughts on my menu of yummies. In particular, my morning breakfast for each morning of any given day. Have I lost you yet? Just in case, allow me to explain. I typically have two mornings to each day. The first comes around 3:00 am when, for no explainable reason, the waitress comes and wakes me up for the breakfast appetizer. I am up for a few hours, then go back to bed. Later, the waitress nudges again and lets me know it's actually daytime and time to eat the breakfast for the day. Hence, two morning and two breakfasts. For my very first blog offered to you kind reader, I would like to focus on morning #2 of the day. Ready? Here we go.
  The brain wakes up before I do and decides to send the message that it is ready to go, to my body. It is my body which then decides to wake me up in the rudest way possible. I remember as a teenager, my room was in the basement of our house. When I would be running late for school, or when mom would want my attention, she would stomp on the kitchen floor upstairs sending sounds of thunder right down to my room. Very rude, when engaged in dreams of pretty girls. This is very similar to how my body approaches waking me into full awareness. A surprise attack from the netherworld which cramps most of the muscles in my body and make my toes curl up in a knot. All together, not a very pleasant experience. I now work on pure instinct, not yet fully aware that every other part of me is awake with the exception of the thinking parts. I reach for the pill case on the night stand next to the bed, flip it open (hopefully without spilling the precious cargo all over the floor. Then again, the results might be interesting considering our dog likes to sniff around the floor for any magic food that might appear). I then lay around in bed being completely lazy despite the fact the thinking parts are now wide awake and thinking thoughts at the speed of thought.
  Then it happens. I feel the pills start to work magic and slip my feet into the pair of shoes I keep by the bed.  This is a little trick I learned from Michael J Fox. It makes my toes un crunch and prepares my feet for touching the floor. After a few (or more) unsteady moments of waiting for the morning's cocktail to kick in, I am ready to start the day on the right foot. Mainly because the left is still a bit uncooperative. By now voluntary and involuntary muscles have relaxed to the point where I head off to the bathroom. I don't think there is any reason to provide details here. But, at the end I face myself and the manager who comes over to the table and awards free desserts for good behavior and for being such a loyal customer. I am mostly relaxed now and ready to take the rest of the day on with the smile I now wear on the outside and the inside.